Sobbing into one's pillow

Dear Reader,

I am soooo depressed. 

I am finding it really hard to deal with my partners lack of sexual interest in me and also more dangerously her lack of interest in actually doing anything about this or trying to make it easier to deal with.

It's eating into the heart of me, and I guess what really scares me is that I can't stop the damage; damage it's doing to us and our family as well as how it's affecting me psychologically and spiritually.

I have tried doing the really patient 'us not touching intimately thing' for a few months  to give her a chance to feel things first for herself rather than me risking all on desperate continually rebutted advances.

I have tried being more self confident and manly; she used to like that.

I have tried the whole bath candles dinner massage playing with her feet listening (practically every day for the last seven years since her return to work - even on days when I have been out working too). 

Nothing is making it better and I cannot even begin to imagine spending the rest of my adulthood years (i.e. 'life') in a sexless relationship - I just start crying; it's getting in the way of my ability to function on an even basic level, proper depression that sucks the motivation, for anything else in your life's day, far away.

Being able to make love with someone you're in love with is possibly the most important thing in the world to me - I sense it as a supreme energy in the same way breathing air and eating food but way much higher up spiritually - I do not see it as fucking.

Yes I care so much about my children and their future happiness but I know I will not be much use to them if I'm this depressed and dysfunctional.

We are at the 'ten times a year or less' end of the spectrum which I have recently learnt is considered as a non-sexual relationship by many counsellors .... 


I guess they know that if it's happening that rarely then it's already got to the point where, when it does happen, it's not happening because of a normal sexual response between the two adults; more likely because of a sense of guilt on the part of the less sexually-needy partner.

When I was in my thirties and early forties I just couldn't get my head around men using prostitutes; I almost took the sort of attitude that Queen Victoria had in regards to lesbians - "it doesn't happen - I refuse to believe it exists"

.... aghast,  'they must be desperate' ... I thought; and, 'how do they even get it up with a woman who doesn't want them enough to do it for nothing?' I'd ask myself - as for me a huge part of the physical reaction on my part was a response to being wanted, desired ..... lusted after.

Men that carried on affairs in marriages I could kind of get my head around because at one point in the past long ago I had been confused as to which of two women I was in love with. But prostitutes ?!

No.

Now as I age in this most depressing way, the increasing desire, as my frigid love leaves to dress and start her day, to just have someone pop in to our bedroom, slip between our sheets, to place their arms around my hips and her lips around the tip of my penis and show me some tenderness and hold me tight as I give up some lifeforce (ahem; I'm a blogger not a poet !) ................. tantalises in a hellish way.

Separation and removal from her and my beautiful children's lives, decided upon entirely by this very cold and unemotional woman that I have made my life with, given up my career for .......... would surely follow ? 

I'm fairly certain she would see only my blame in this sorry state of affairs; she hates to admit any fault on her part as it is (part of her wonderful professional conditioning, working for a 'bunch of arseholes' in the city as she does).

Or would she pat the young professional on the shoulder and sleepily say 'tag' as she left the bedroom and the warmth between the sheets, relieved that it is not she that has to then face that what she has decided she no longer wants to deal with ?

And does anyone find it sad that actually I'd fantasise about my penis being inside her, not the whore's mouth, as I did this morning when I masturbated and then lay there with tears in my eyes, mourning the death of our sexual love ?

I'm really interested in what other people feel about this from either side of the fence (and I don't just mean gender - I know this happens to women and men) and whether anything similar is happening to them too, so please, please leave a comment even anonymously. I need to know I am not alone in this despair.

All the best