The email in full .....
"You looked very upset this morning at my lack of committal to being at home all thursday so thought I'd point out that actually I'd really love us to enjoy you working from home more - it should have clear benefits for both of us ....
However the problem is that currently it often doesn't for me, and the reasons are quite complex. I'm afraid some if this is down to you, as well as me, and although I am sure some of these revelations will upset you, its better that you understand how I feel, than we pretend nothing is wrong and you wonder why I don't jump up and down with glee every time (although each time like you I am hoping that it will be fun).
I have tried to write some positive suggestions as I really would like it to work well; it's a great (and practical, sensible) idea and one that I'd love for us to be better at managing and enjoying the benefits of.
Negatives
1.) you tend to work the extra couple of hours you'd spend commuting, making you tired and frequently more grumpy (errr.... at me) than when you work at the office (interestingly you've actually come home in quite good moods over the last few weeks)
Suggestion - perhaps you could treat these days as slightly lighter ones (rather than an opportunity to catch up on loads of outstanding stuff from work?) and perhaps take the kids to school as well as pick them up (even together with me sometimes - it's a nice walk through the cemetery or down by the river for us both)
2.) you're not really 'here' in any tangible practical sense - more you're just not 'there' (i.e. at the office) - I cannot intrude into your working environment; only you into mine - so its a very 'one-way' arrangement - you are unavailable to me for comment/companionship/camaraderie unless on your terms, at times of your choosing
Suggestion - we could have certain times we'd agree on where its ok for us to have a coffee break/ whatever - better communication of when we both are going to be unavailable even if in the same building.
3.) When/if you do take a break often the first thing you'll do is check up on what progress I am making with things you want sorted or done, frequently suggesting changes to the order or way I am doing things (this makes it feel like you are actually supervising me) I realise you are frequently unaware of the other things that have to be done first (e.g. urgently needed and frequently overdue domestic stuff) - it's maybe just me but sometimes it seems like you don't trust me to get on with stuff. e.g. you will say 'why are you going to the shops now ?' - this makes me feel like an untrustworthy child (and thus quite resentful !)
Suggestion - please try to respect this is also my working environment too and let me arrange my day by myself - I am capable; I don't want to feel that you are working from home so you can keep me under surveillance.....
4.) If you have concerns fears or worries about stuff then I want to be the person you confide in but sometimes it feels a bit like my role in this relationship is too loaded towards cheering you up/supporting you and not enough the other way round. I need some respite from this as well as support back from you ! - I don't get it anywhere else ;?( ..... If all we talk about on your 'work from home' days are all the things troubling you then it makes this imbalance worse...
Suggestion - please look after me in return sometimes; try not to repeatedly express your worries and fears - I do listen and hear them the first time - and as with you, constant repetition just switches me off
5.) you tend to put on your 'office persona' when working from home; if you still use it when you turn to talk to me it can come across like you are not being very friendly; harsh and impolite even.
Suggestion - please try to remember that whilst facing your work frustrations and challenges, you are also at home talking to me, not the arsehole at the office who is deliberately ruining your day.
6.) if I ever bring you up a hot drink or some food and find you replying to your personal email, that's ok (and so it should be) - however, if you were to run downstairs and find me looking at mine you often say something like 'hmmm ... Boyfriend playing with his computer ?!' .... when I am more usually doing something in my role of family social secretary !
Suggestion - please don't ever say 'boyfriend playing with his computer?' ?! - it makes me feel quite trivial (as if anything I could be up to with a pc could only be deemed 'play' whereas everything you do is very important and above board)
Sorry hun; this is how I feel, although I realise it is extremely unlikely you are doing any of this deliberately it still makes me very, very unhappy.
Now, I realise that all this below is very unlikely to change overnight given that I have pointed out some of your failings (again, sorry ...) but ....
Positives I would like to see us make more of
1.) proper companionship ..... (I'd love you showing me you care about me and how I am ...... If you only ask about the progress of tasks that you want prioritised at all opportunities, then I'm unlikely to feel you're concerned about me and my interests)
2.) mutual care/consideration ...... (you could make me a cup of tea ... or a sandwich ? ..like I always do for you)
3.) opportunity for a cuddle on the sofa couple of times a day - tea and sympathy !
4.) sharing jokes, humour
5.) bit of exercise together
Positives I'd hardly dare to dream of
6.) grab a glass of wine down by the river with you,
7.) daytime love making sessions (apparently women come much more intensely in the afternoons) - this ticks the exercise box above and so is healthy too ?
8.) 30 mins gardening together (ditto, but way less joyous and no one gets an orgasm over a spade .... do they ?)
9.) ride our bikes to the park, picnic
10.) sneakily watch a film .... for a whole hour and a half
I think we could do some of the above things without the world or your office falling apart or us being too old/too dead to actually enjoy them (i.e. retired)
We need to start enjoying our lives before they are over ..... perhaps your 'working from home days' might be a good place to start because, hey .....
The kids are at school !! (thats a lot of freeeeeeee babysitting !! ;?)))
I still love you even though you are probably feeling very angry with me right now - please try to see that I haven't pointed any of this out to hurt you (in fact that is why I haven't mentioned it before - concern for your feelings) but our communication here is now badly screwed up and I want it to get better.
I don't want you to feel you cannot come home and work from home when you get the opportunity - I love you intensely, and hate the thought of you having a miserable time there.
We've just got to stop knocking chunks off each other when at home. These are some of my suggestions, want to hear yours ...
hugs
x"
