Chrimbo-Tastic

Good. Christmas 'Eve, Eve' as Chris Evans called it this morning when we gave her a lift into work. All bought and paid for, just not properly put away yet... Partner girlfriend normally angry type person home, looking like someone who has just finished a years contracting; but then she has. Now she's just glad to be done; too tired for an argument though something on her mind. A colleague's leaving comment perhaps? Her dilligence a virtue I find attractive, though a distraction to her, it can leave her brusque and remote. Like many men of my age, I actually find this sexy. Phwoaah !! House tidied quicker and more thoroughly than anticipated due to her getting away four hours early. Hot bath administered; a foot rub passed up- but then the kids are of course still up (naughty, naughty..!). Kartoffeln on hob are not going to make it 'til the rest of supper is made; urgent demands cloaked as scent-compliments, saliva barely concealed. She is near ovulation, all week I've felt the tension rise and today the glans of my cock has not shrunk below defcon five ready to fuck weightiness.. Swingin' ... #justsayin' There are presents to wrap and still arrangements to be made but when I get her soft body to myself, and she mine to herself, I will make hers sing in throaty Anglo-Saxon very loudly. I will however probably make some bestial noise; more deaththroes than Waitrose. But by Santa, will I come.

Oh .... we're back to school

And normal life has resumed... But it seems to suck more than before. The planes are noisier, people are much ruder, life toooo filled with crap that needs remembering (a million things a day). I'm swamped, I officially give up; some of it I just don't care about anymore so that can take a hike but even the really really still important stuff, is it worth killing yourself for?

working through stuff...

I have feelings I can't talk to anyone about because I can't even describe them To myself They cause great sadness; like everything you've ever cared about has ended. I didn't have them before my mother died but they don't seem to be related to her, except for the fact that they reach back to childhood .. Her dying and my reaction to my grief are certainly linked ... There's also an entanglement with my baby girl - it all seemed so hopeful when she was small, but my partner's moods from going back to work cut me like knives, and we quickly became sad (as a family?) ... The joy was quickly sucked out of the equation. The whole thing seems devalued ... Trying to get back to happy and for the most part succeeding but need to know more about this ...

Nonsuch's blog

My reply to a Mum frustrated by people treating her as if (because she's a mum at home) she's retarded..

"Don't think it's sexist - it's carer-ist ... I'm a stay at home father and the bastards do it to me too.
We're carers. And I have to say some of the Mums are pretty sexist too (I don't get invites to coffee mornings, not even before I became bitter and resentful !!!).

No one puts a value on parenting anymore, least of all if you don't outsource it to someone called 'Magda' who chainsmokes and texts along the pavements of posh upper-middle-class enclaves whilst delivering your little newborn to nursery, whilst you push your way onto tube trains at 7:30am, and nobody, repeat nobody, ever cooks a meal from scratch at home unless half-cut on Chablis and reading Jamie Oliver's latest (with chicken liver blood dripping off your drunken fingers onto the crisp new pages).

P.s. no one knows where she lives (Magda, that is).... you just have her mobile phone number and a vague memory of someone decent in playgroup handing it to you three years ago.

Sooooo ... The home dries up and with it the love respect and intimacy between the stressed parents; the alternative? One of you continues to work and the poor schmuck stuck behind the kitchen sink gets talked down to by anyone with delusions of city grandeur at any social gathering for six or seven years, then you find the kids are old enough to not need your (or Magda's) role and you'll struggle to get offered anything more meaningful than school business admin and then only if you're bitchy enough to fight off 58 other applicants deemed too young to be a GP's receptionist. ... Serves you right for getting off the hamster wheel? It bloody shouldn't.

If you're really unlucky your now resentful (you've had all the fun, right ?!?) and pompous over-professionalised partner will lose respect and feelings of attraction for you at about the same time ... I believe the saying is 'F**k My Life'.

I love my kids and they're worth this shit and tons more so my attitude towards those lovely people is 'F*** 'em' all - they're just not worth your time and emotion.

Incidentally, Madam Nonsuch; if like mine, your partner won't respect your sacrifice and support you emotionally when others treat you like crap, then dump them and email me ! I'll cook you a great paella and tell you how wonderful you really are, you may even get a back rub once I get to know you properly ;-)) .... I'm sure the kids will get along, they generally do.

'Til then chin up- you are sooooo very, very important to those little shining faces you tuck into bed every night, and be very aware that you need to take care of yourself for them.

x

stopathomedad.blogspot.com

The Crack

Several weeks more of little or no intimacy and sex.... I feel like a Michaelangelo statue of a male nude, that every week has someone come past and chisel off a bit more of its male features. Only with more human and real warmth and longing. As I've been very patient, supportive and understanding in this respect for sometime, and sensed the occasional positive response to hugs over the last couple of days, this morning I took the huge risk of stroking my hand softly up her thigh towards bliss. Bad move; her thigh jerked away, aggressive body language making her angry rejection very clear;

bad boy.

The hurt and rejection I feel is crushing. Don't have any coping mechanisms left .... Can't deal with being celibate in a relationship .... Although anger follows the hurt, still love her .... What am I supposed to do ?

Tumblr

Am I the only person who's seen Kat-a-tat-tat's tumblr (and also flickr feed) ? Oh my there's something amazing about her photography and modeling - entrancing doesn't cover it. It's like you're there and in the moment with her awareness of self, and her view of herself is accurately aware of her beauty (which kinda adds to her confidence which of course adds even more to her beauty and it's a vortex ...) A girl you'd want to be, let alone be in...? Is this how it is to be female?

My Comment On UnwantedHusband's wordpress blog

April 26, 2011 at 1:47 am Full sympathy for what you and your wife are going through right now; hope you can make the best decision for yourself AND your family. Two things – no one expects us all to be perfect human beings and in many ways to fail is to learn to grow. Secondly, being in a very similar situation myself, one thing that keeps me trying harder all round is that my divorced parents both expressed regret at ending theirs; they were only temporarily happier with their new partners. That said, their sufferance of each other for so many years before they divorced added a very dark cloud of depressive atmosphere to my lonely childhood. So, if there are children, think of them first and always; you’d sacrifice your life to save them in an instant, and so should consider the same for a whole childhood. Don’t let the death of a thousand cuts kill their joy at being alive at such a formative part of their lives. I weep for what my Mum and Dad went through, and also how miserable my childhood was as a result – we were all unhappy together as a family (but ok apart or separately with each parent) and it’s taken me 15 years to realise the impact this is having on my life now. I love them both deeply, but I wish they’d been able to fix it or move on sooner. Good luck UH, and to the other commenters, many valid points made here by everyone including marriagecounsellor chap (don’t ever disregard the whole of one person’s story/truth just because of your disagreement with one bit); just remember one size does not fit all !!

Kicked Out Of Bed For Snoring

I'm on the sofa. Bad dog. She has stayed awake reading til gone midnight despite a job interview early start tomorrow at 7am, and now cannot get to sleep because I am snoring apparently... I've been out and had four pints of beer ...but it seems this may be a recurrent problem - for her (when she snores I just smile and go back to sleep so it's not reciprocally one for me). Perhaps in our fucking pseudo-professional 'planning meetings' we could schedule some time to discuss how maybe I wouldn't snore so much if she'd actually made any effort to maintain our sexlife over the last eight years... instead of leaving me to choose between unfaithfulness (i.e. affairs for sexual and intimate gratification) and sense-swapping drinking too much and over-eating for my only sensual pleasures? Look at our peers; out of seven NCT couples we knew originally only three are together and one of those doesn't count as one partner is having serial affairs. But by golly they're thin and (I'm guessing) don't snore !!

The flipping gym

At kiddy gym reception waiting room hell again... Less than one in eight people in here (3yo kids included) are NOT holding a nintendo ds or iOS item... ALL laptops on view are Apple. It's embarrassing. That's all.

WOW

I have been surfing more discriminatingly than usual and have discovered a wealth of erotic material in the oddest of places.

Some of it is pure and simple "inspiration" (yes you know what I mean ;?) ... and some of it is more self-help/informative/knowledge-based, such as the excellent www.dick-n-jane.com ... which is where I found the very informative (and opinioned !) Athol and his strategy www.marriedmansexlife.com.

If only I had had access to stuff like this several years ago when starting out down this line (househusbandry) I somehow feel things may somehow not have become so sad and desperate.
However, now these new resources have been discovered they will be utilised.

Enjoy !

"How not to watch live tv" or "Porn & The Multi Orgasmic Man"

Two things contemplated today in my search for coping mechanisms wrt my frequently mentioned intimacy-deficient relationship - more, and better, masturbation/sexual self-discovery, and heaven forbid, an affair (I should stress there's no one to direct my unfulfilled lust on the horizon just yet, but occasional 'you know what this look means, young man' encounters in local supermarkets have made the pulse race).

Vena Ramphal (http://venaramphal.com/ ) who has been very inspiring throughout her webinar today (populated only with shy and quiet males -self included!) is recommending that certain men read a very special book  - which I've just found here :-

http://www.healing-tao.com/tao-garden/universal/en/the-multi-orgasmic-man.html

...... and also, masturbation ..... but (if needed) a more discretional usage of pornography. Not less, just better, more intentional/directed.

So many women feel threatened by their partner's use of pornography (check the covers of some women's magazines and you'd be forgiven for thinking a new kind of Temperance Movement was about to start up, especially in the USA) - hence it is incredibly refreshing to hear Vena :-
a.) advocate guilt-free male masturbation and
b.) talk about male usage of pornography in a non-judgmental but instead friendly and concerned manner.
She is incredibly kind and has great understanding of both the female and male psyche.
(Oh yes that's an endorsement - check out her site http://venaramphal.com/ )

To be honest, the spectrum I usually find arousing may well be more in the arena of 'erotica' than 'porn' so I'd hope anyone would see my use of some discretion (although it will often be pretty errr .... 'complete' stuff I think it's always the aesthetic and 'real' that grabs me) ... because, my God, there is some awful rubbish out there that can really turn you off ;?)

I don't want to watch stuff that makes me depressed afterwards (and I don't mean because the leading man has an enormous penis under his eight-pack washboard hairless tum). Some stuff is just .... you know, grubby.

So, I think Vena has a very valid point - one which I already apply to television programs so it should be easy enough to apply to pornography:-

I watch virtually nothing 'live' seeking out instead the programs that would interest me at a later date on iplayer, youtube, C4od ... the best tool I have for this incidentally is 'Get iPlayer Automator' (for mac) which acts like a mac based PVR/TiVo application - brilliant bit of kit and shareware/freeware (But please support the chap if you like it). Programs get processed into iTunes at varying user defined quality levels (e.g. iPod, tv, HD etc).

Get iPlayer Automator

When you think about it, finding the program you want to watch is being broadcast at a time when you are able to watch it or even remember it is on is like expecting to find needles in haystacks on a daily basis.

Now if someone can just recommend something like this in return, but for the rude stuff - all the usual sites need a filter as the world of porn turns ever more desperate to compete with the last nasty it spewed out onto the web ....

Here's a good example, written (supposedly?) by a woman - Gem, that has recently caught my eye
- naughtygem.tumblr.com
.....  in fact there is a lot of erotica on tumblr.com. Nobody told me .... and I thought it was just another twitter/blogger/wordpress mashup !? ... Heck, look what happens when you click on the archive button or the mosaic tab
:0

Ok - maybe using people with good taste is as effective if not more a filter as a program ! Once again social networking wins the day.

Bye