the long version - ranting anger vent

[disorganised ranting - unedited - come back in a week; it will be readable honest]

My objections are mainly about what little respect and consideration you currently show for me, my opinions, my wishes, feelings, etc., and just how little you do for me, how little care you show me

when you combine this with abusive and angry asides and constant nitpicking it isn't much fun

tbh from the way you behave I feel you are trying to get me to leave or want to leave yourself

you seem to think it's ok to treat me like shit and if I dare react it is then all about me being an arse - well it isn't

I'm also frustrated that when I see you are putting your feet up or relaxing I let it pass and don't insist or even ask that you help with the domestic duties outside of our daily work hours; this is mainly of course in the evening.

So, out of sympathy and usually love and respect for you, I leave you alone, bring you a nice drink, cook you some lovely food (that you usually seem to enjoy very much)

I know you feel you have been having a really hard time for the last several years of employment both at ******* and *******, and you just want to sit and read your book/watch tv/soak in a bath each evening.

I know how difficult things get between us when you are tired and rundown, so a part of this is also to help our relationship - I try and take the strain .......... it's a bit of a let-down when not only you don't reciprocate this empathy but you have a go at me.

some points I'd like to make -

1.) I want you to stop continually 'telling me off' angrily, like I'm some errant lowly domestic - more respect is needed if you want more back

(this makes me feel really shit and demeaned).

2.) realisation that you must think I am lazy and are saying as much

(I am shocked and horrified that you don't trust how diligent I am and how hard I work for this family - even more so that you think nagging/berating me is the way to get more out of me ...)

3.) you show a complete lack of appreciation and support for how hard it is to start new career from scratch with no CV, virtually no experience, whilst picking up this family's crap, and shopping cooking laundering and cleaning for you all, arranging all the social diaries, etc

4.) this weekend in particular you have let me do all the cooking, setting up the beds and 90% of the dishwasher emptying & filling whilst you're largely sat (and for the most part in the evening lying) on the sofa - I even got up without even a cup of tea let alone breakfast and gave you a few hours on saturday and looked after the kids on my own so you could get a break and talk to your Mum - Sunday morning you were virtually kicking me out of bed to do your bidding and drag DS to rugby

5.) telling me to shut up in front of DS this morning whilst I was only doing what you frequently do (point out future enforcement/consequences if not doing their homework/chores) - you attempt to censor me quite often infront of the kids - I find this highly embarrassing and feel like you are saying my views on their upbringing and manners are unimportant, that I am unimportant. It also destroys my authority in their eyes and makes it harder for me to get them to behave and respect me without me having to shout etc..

6.) over the last few months you have made quite a few extra demands on my time/energy and consequently I feel quite nagged and bullied and stressed out - as there is now ALWAYS something that hasn't been done (something that you have decided as being my responsibility alone and that is beneath your task list) - I simply do not have enough time and energy to get everything you think I should be doing completed

now just lately your behaviour towards me is escalating towards the unbearable

from sunday's aborted attempt by you to meet me with the car (as we always manage for you)

it's seems rather unfair that you haven't bothered apologising for your part in Sunday's BS - especially as I did, a few times on your ansaphone and also in text - all I got for my attempts to save you and the kids from a wasted journey was you screaming at me down the phone.

Imaginary Post Argument Thoughts ...

Hmmm...

This is getting worse ... my thoughts on a row

"Irrespective of how we could both try and score points here it's how I feel in these situations that concerns me, and how you seem to not feel, not anymore at least.

This is how I see from my point of view what happens, and how your actions make me feel.

I've tried before to get you to see how your behavior affects me, in the hope that maybe you could understand why I get so upset with the way you appear to take things out on me.

Things that frustrate you usually seem to be the spark; things that you see as being all my fault irrespective of the real situation or any shared reality between us.

I find this quite demoralising - it makes me feel like shit that someone supposedly so close could be so mean and nasty even if they were pissed off about a sheet in the laundry basket that both of us could have tried to launder.

Anyway, that's part of the reason you get such a reaction back: I'm usually in shock like a kicked dog. Your maulings hurt !

I've always hoped you'd find new more friendly and caring ways of making your point and maybe compromising a bit more, but it seems mostly futile.

Whatever I say, no matter how long I leave it before talking to you, no matter how much I beg for you to see the impact of your anger on me, it seems anything I say is interpreted as unjust criticism of your perfect being.

And that it's all about how awful my reaction back to you was rather than the fact that you have just been incredibly upsetting or hurtful to me in the first place.

So it seems you're quite quick to criticise me and my behaviour, yet don't seem to accept that you may deserve criticism in return. It feels like you think in all of these situations that you have the perfect right to 'tell me off' (your words the other night).

0-60mph ... you never first kindly ask me to do things more the way you want ... just go right in for the jugular, straight off ....

You hardly ever apologise - Sadly even when I'm pretty sure we both know we are at fault (as we usually both are) and I apologise first, it just seems something prevents you from apologising back. A day later when you seem to have gotten over your anger with me you still forget to mention it.

So our relationship rarely has chance to heal properly from this sort of event - there is rarely any kiss and make up, especially since you have taken to avoiding any intimacy as much as is possible, just more problems looming on the horizon as it limps along. When we get to the next fight we remember our wounds that haven't healed from the previous one....

I see you withhold your love and affection (and intimacy and sexual energy) more each month.

As the years go by, more and more I have to grovel at your feet to get any positive emotion or closeness from you.

Until recently, for some reason I haven't quite figured out yet, I was prepared to keep doing this begging, and I now think that has been part of the problem.

Maybe it's the recent years of ineffectual drudgery that had made me feel unworthy of anything more (as you have frequently described; not washing your clothes properly, not shopping properly, not reading to the children properly, not washing up properly, etc., etc., the list is long). As if it was all I deserved. For what seems ages you have gotten on at me about how little I get done and, by implication, how crap I am at the stuff that matters the most to you.

You treat me like shit because I am shit.

Well I don't accept that I have to put up with this anymore - I am tired of being the person you take everything out on.

I now know I am a worthwhile person; in spite of you doing very little in the way of encouragement or practical support to help me, I am building a new career that I actually get a kick out of, and meeting more people who show they have faith in me.

I don't know where this is going though. Even if we really don't have much of a relationship left, I'd still like to be here for you if you need someone when life is getting you down, but the way things are currently, my role within this relationship is not very rewarding and even if I could put up with it (and shrug it off like some poor blokes I see can do) I don't think allowing you to carry on using me as a punch bag is healthy for either you or our children (especially as you have become increasingly happy to start on me even with the children in the same room - and I find it very hard in these circumstances to allow you to run me down in front of them, let alone put up with this treatment, and none of that is good for any of us).

I don't think you mean to be like this but I feel no affection, love, warmth or intimacy, no partnership .... and when you talk to me the way you did regarding the laundry tonight I feel there isn't even a friendship anymore - as I know there is no way you would treat any of your friends as such a dopey skivvy, and certainly no way you would berate them for not doing a good enough job.

In essence there's just not enough love affection respect and care from you to balance out all the anger hate and dissatisfaction I get from you - and I don't know how to cope with this anymore; it's not doing me any good."

Ta Dah !;(

what do you think ?