Green Days Gone By

Using persona as contraception, which has given us both a very heightened sense of both of our hormones and moods ... (for those that haven't heard of it, she pees on a stick and it can tell day of cycle, fertile or not, ovulation day etc.).
It's great if you want to have messy unprotected spontaneous sex on days it shows as 'clear' or 'green' post-ovulation, but it highlights the progression of time and leaves me focused on missed opportunities.

The sexual side of our relationship is pretty non-existent, and this compounds the desperation, depression and sadness I feel about this.

28 days of persona run like this:

1-4 I guess not (her pref, not mine) machine's light is green...
5-7 red light appearing anytime now so, errr prob not a good idea... Plus, she'll still be feeling 'unclean'...
7-13/14 if in this particular cycle she's vaguely interested in sex, this will be the few days when we're likely to try; I by this point am quite a stampy randy bear, likely to be quite brave in terms of risking slapped hands and slighted ego. I ache for her on these days, waking every morning early with a hard on of pornstar proportions. When I come, it goes everywhere, especially noticeable as I have to pull out on these days. It's a good month if we manage one or two times to make love here, the loved up oxytocin highs lasting and bonding over following two weeks. She likes it rougher over these days too, and will come as hard as me.
14-19 By now, I arise every morning to pee and look at the blasted machine, cursing it until its light goes green (often day 18). By now withdrawal is pissing me off (if we've made love more than once) and I want to flood the neck of her womb with my cum, preferably whilst kissing her hard and holding her tight. She however at this point of her cycle has lost all interest, and so she does guilt whilst I do tenderness mixed with hard-to-hide frustration. If we're getting on badly, I start to notice other women (I'm pretty fixed on her the rest of the cycle) and she starts to notice everything in our world that needs domestic attention. We row.

Chrimbo-not-so-tastisco; Revenge of The Fun Police

Well there goes that.

Acutely aware of the need to go and get me the life I need this year, feel like I haven't stopped for more than a second. There has been a hell of a lot less relaxation than I hoped for and very little else in the way of fun. The fucking fun police have put their uniforms back on and are goose-stepping about.

Just one small glimmer remains from the festive season. I met a kindred spirit; the kind of person that makes you question everything; reminds you of yourself and what you used to feel. This person is actually trying to understand me, this I am finding a little unnerving (I'm just not used to this) but I know it's a good thing. She makes my soul leap and my heart beat and my cock instantly rock hard from her millions of miles away.

The control freak within me wants to steady the pace ............ but I don't think that this will be possible with said person; she has me fixed within her gaze and is trying to figure out why I make her feel.

It's all outside the normal bounds of experience.

And that's what makes it exciting.

Happy New Year

Nonsuch's blog

My reply to a Mum frustrated by people treating her as if (because she's a mum at home) she's retarded..

"Don't think it's sexist - it's carer-ist ... I'm a stay at home father and the bastards do it to me too.
We're carers. And I have to say some of the Mums are pretty sexist too (I don't get invites to coffee mornings, not even before I became bitter and resentful !!!).

No one puts a value on parenting anymore, least of all if you don't outsource it to someone called 'Magda' who chainsmokes and texts along the pavements of posh upper-middle-class enclaves whilst delivering your little newborn to nursery, whilst you push your way onto tube trains at 7:30am, and nobody, repeat nobody, ever cooks a meal from scratch at home unless half-cut on Chablis and reading Jamie Oliver's latest (with chicken liver blood dripping off your drunken fingers onto the crisp new pages).

P.s. no one knows where she lives (Magda, that is).... you just have her mobile phone number and a vague memory of someone decent in playgroup handing it to you three years ago.

Sooooo ... The home dries up and with it the love respect and intimacy between the stressed parents; the alternative? One of you continues to work and the poor schmuck stuck behind the kitchen sink gets talked down to by anyone with delusions of city grandeur at any social gathering for six or seven years, then you find the kids are old enough to not need your (or Magda's) role and you'll struggle to get offered anything more meaningful than school business admin and then only if you're bitchy enough to fight off 58 other applicants deemed too young to be a GP's receptionist. ... Serves you right for getting off the hamster wheel? It bloody shouldn't.

If you're really unlucky your now resentful (you've had all the fun, right ?!?) and pompous over-professionalised partner will lose respect and feelings of attraction for you at about the same time ... I believe the saying is 'F**k My Life'.

I love my kids and they're worth this shit and tons more so my attitude towards those lovely people is 'F*** 'em' all - they're just not worth your time and emotion.

Incidentally, Madam Nonsuch; if like mine, your partner won't respect your sacrifice and support you emotionally when others treat you like crap, then dump them and email me ! I'll cook you a great paella and tell you how wonderful you really are, you may even get a back rub once I get to know you properly ;-)) .... I'm sure the kids will get along, they generally do.

'Til then chin up- you are sooooo very, very important to those little shining faces you tuck into bed every night, and be very aware that you need to take care of yourself for them.

x

stopathomedad.blogspot.com

"How not to watch live tv" or "Porn & The Multi Orgasmic Man"

Two things contemplated today in my search for coping mechanisms wrt my frequently mentioned intimacy-deficient relationship - more, and better, masturbation/sexual self-discovery, and heaven forbid, an affair (I should stress there's no one to direct my unfulfilled lust on the horizon just yet, but occasional 'you know what this look means, young man' encounters in local supermarkets have made the pulse race).

Vena Ramphal (http://venaramphal.com/ ) who has been very inspiring throughout her webinar today (populated only with shy and quiet males -self included!) is recommending that certain men read a very special book  - which I've just found here :-

http://www.healing-tao.com/tao-garden/universal/en/the-multi-orgasmic-man.html

...... and also, masturbation ..... but (if needed) a more discretional usage of pornography. Not less, just better, more intentional/directed.

So many women feel threatened by their partner's use of pornography (check the covers of some women's magazines and you'd be forgiven for thinking a new kind of Temperance Movement was about to start up, especially in the USA) - hence it is incredibly refreshing to hear Vena :-
a.) advocate guilt-free male masturbation and
b.) talk about male usage of pornography in a non-judgmental but instead friendly and concerned manner.
She is incredibly kind and has great understanding of both the female and male psyche.
(Oh yes that's an endorsement - check out her site http://venaramphal.com/ )

To be honest, the spectrum I usually find arousing may well be more in the arena of 'erotica' than 'porn' so I'd hope anyone would see my use of some discretion (although it will often be pretty errr .... 'complete' stuff I think it's always the aesthetic and 'real' that grabs me) ... because, my God, there is some awful rubbish out there that can really turn you off ;?)

I don't want to watch stuff that makes me depressed afterwards (and I don't mean because the leading man has an enormous penis under his eight-pack washboard hairless tum). Some stuff is just .... you know, grubby.

So, I think Vena has a very valid point - one which I already apply to television programs so it should be easy enough to apply to pornography:-

I watch virtually nothing 'live' seeking out instead the programs that would interest me at a later date on iplayer, youtube, C4od ... the best tool I have for this incidentally is 'Get iPlayer Automator' (for mac) which acts like a mac based PVR/TiVo application - brilliant bit of kit and shareware/freeware (But please support the chap if you like it). Programs get processed into iTunes at varying user defined quality levels (e.g. iPod, tv, HD etc).

Get iPlayer Automator

When you think about it, finding the program you want to watch is being broadcast at a time when you are able to watch it or even remember it is on is like expecting to find needles in haystacks on a daily basis.

Now if someone can just recommend something like this in return, but for the rude stuff - all the usual sites need a filter as the world of porn turns ever more desperate to compete with the last nasty it spewed out onto the web ....

Here's a good example, written (supposedly?) by a woman - Gem, that has recently caught my eye
- naughtygem.tumblr.com
.....  in fact there is a lot of erotica on tumblr.com. Nobody told me .... and I thought it was just another twitter/blogger/wordpress mashup !? ... Heck, look what happens when you click on the archive button or the mosaic tab
:0

Ok - maybe using people with good taste is as effective if not more a filter as a program ! Once again social networking wins the day.

Bye

The Background

I am me.

I am golden.

Gorgeous.

Romantic.

Sensual, caring, creative;

But (and I believe I am perfectly entitled to feel like this ....)

I am also one very upset, unloved & neglected, sad, lonely, angry, sexually frustrated 'ex rock star stop at home dad'.

Midlife crisis ?

I'm father to two beautiful kids; we'll talk about their beautiful and clever Mum later .... but for now let's just say that this hasn't exactly been a successful experiment in gender-flipping role reversal, although we started out with the best intentions and a lot of good love and noisy wet sex.

Nowadays, everything either aches or hurts or doesn't work, and my longing for a better more sane and loving life just gets worse day by day. My patience runs thin, after seven years I have had almost enough. I dream of love as much as I sexually fantasise.

I tried blogging fair and square (less anonymously) but got bored of not saying what I really felt and thought - this is V 2.0 and nothing will be held back or edited. But it will be all true.

You can also follow my impatience, sexual frustration and angry insight into the modern role-reversal parenting situation by following @stopathomedad on twitter.

Please comment at will - nothing will be censored; perhaps together we can smooth all the rough edges out ?

Thank you for reading this far. I'm sorry if any of the personal truths to follow cause you offence.