Stats

To my one reader, on a linux box using firefox, in Russia (or using a Russian proxy) ....

Hope you're enjoying the gore of it all.

Why not comment, or come and say hi on twitter - @stopathomedad ?

...Or continue freaking me out, your choice of course !!

Green Days Gone By

Using persona as contraception, which has given us both a very heightened sense of both of our hormones and moods ... (for those that haven't heard of it, she pees on a stick and it can tell day of cycle, fertile or not, ovulation day etc.).
It's great if you want to have messy unprotected spontaneous sex on days it shows as 'clear' or 'green' post-ovulation, but it highlights the progression of time and leaves me focused on missed opportunities.

The sexual side of our relationship is pretty non-existent, and this compounds the desperation, depression and sadness I feel about this.

28 days of persona run like this:

1-4 I guess not (her pref, not mine) machine's light is green...
5-7 red light appearing anytime now so, errr prob not a good idea... Plus, she'll still be feeling 'unclean'...
7-13/14 if in this particular cycle she's vaguely interested in sex, this will be the few days when we're likely to try; I by this point am quite a stampy randy bear, likely to be quite brave in terms of risking slapped hands and slighted ego. I ache for her on these days, waking every morning early with a hard on of pornstar proportions. When I come, it goes everywhere, especially noticeable as I have to pull out on these days. It's a good month if we manage one or two times to make love here, the loved up oxytocin highs lasting and bonding over following two weeks. She likes it rougher over these days too, and will come as hard as me.
14-19 By now, I arise every morning to pee and look at the blasted machine, cursing it until its light goes green (often day 18). By now withdrawal is pissing me off (if we've made love more than once) and I want to flood the neck of her womb with my cum, preferably whilst kissing her hard and holding her tight. She however at this point of her cycle has lost all interest, and so she does guilt whilst I do tenderness mixed with hard-to-hide frustration. If we're getting on badly, I start to notice other women (I'm pretty fixed on her the rest of the cycle) and she starts to notice everything in our world that needs domestic attention. We row.

Awesome!

In the past tense, unfortunately.

Comment (directed at me) made to me by my best friends, tonight, trying to make me feel better?

Asked me if I still love a girl; I do.

How can you start so strong and then drip your life away, your self-esteem?

In the hands of those who do not care, I'm guessing this is not a question.

In the hands of those that do, then welcome to my puzzle.

O

Chrimbo-not-so-tastisco; Revenge of The Fun Police

Well there goes that.

Acutely aware of the need to go and get me the life I need this year, feel like I haven't stopped for more than a second. There has been a hell of a lot less relaxation than I hoped for and very little else in the way of fun. The fucking fun police have put their uniforms back on and are goose-stepping about.

Just one small glimmer remains from the festive season. I met a kindred spirit; the kind of person that makes you question everything; reminds you of yourself and what you used to feel. This person is actually trying to understand me, this I am finding a little unnerving (I'm just not used to this) but I know it's a good thing. She makes my soul leap and my heart beat and my cock instantly rock hard from her millions of miles away.

The control freak within me wants to steady the pace ............ but I don't think that this will be possible with said person; she has me fixed within her gaze and is trying to figure out why I make her feel.

It's all outside the normal bounds of experience.

And that's what makes it exciting.

Happy New Year

Chrimbo-Tastic

Good. Christmas 'Eve, Eve' as Chris Evans called it this morning when we gave her a lift into work. All bought and paid for, just not properly put away yet... Partner girlfriend normally angry type person home, looking like someone who has just finished a years contracting; but then she has. Now she's just glad to be done; too tired for an argument though something on her mind. A colleague's leaving comment perhaps? Her dilligence a virtue I find attractive, though a distraction to her, it can leave her brusque and remote. Like many men of my age, I actually find this sexy. Phwoaah !! House tidied quicker and more thoroughly than anticipated due to her getting away four hours early. Hot bath administered; a foot rub passed up- but then the kids are of course still up (naughty, naughty..!). Kartoffeln on hob are not going to make it 'til the rest of supper is made; urgent demands cloaked as scent-compliments, saliva barely concealed. She is near ovulation, all week I've felt the tension rise and today the glans of my cock has not shrunk below defcon five ready to fuck weightiness.. Swingin' ... #justsayin' There are presents to wrap and still arrangements to be made but when I get her soft body to myself, and she mine to herself, I will make hers sing in throaty Anglo-Saxon very loudly. I will however probably make some bestial noise; more deaththroes than Waitrose. But by Santa, will I come.

Oh .... we're back to school

And normal life has resumed... But it seems to suck more than before. The planes are noisier, people are much ruder, life toooo filled with crap that needs remembering (a million things a day). I'm swamped, I officially give up; some of it I just don't care about anymore so that can take a hike but even the really really still important stuff, is it worth killing yourself for?

working through stuff...

I have feelings I can't talk to anyone about because I can't even describe them To myself They cause great sadness; like everything you've ever cared about has ended. I didn't have them before my mother died but they don't seem to be related to her, except for the fact that they reach back to childhood .. Her dying and my reaction to my grief are certainly linked ... There's also an entanglement with my baby girl - it all seemed so hopeful when she was small, but my partner's moods from going back to work cut me like knives, and we quickly became sad (as a family?) ... The joy was quickly sucked out of the equation. The whole thing seems devalued ... Trying to get back to happy and for the most part succeeding but need to know more about this ...